InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "turtles don't bounce."

Captain Jack Harkness (time_after_time) wrote,
@ 2008-05-17 02:37:00

Post-cafe
Continued from here.

Jack never makes it back into the café after his talk with Xellos, too rattled by what Xellos said. He can't deal with talking to anyone else right now when who he needs is to see the Captain, not them. After heading back to L's house and up into their bedroom, he sits there on the bed to wait, hands folded between his knees.

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	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 06:51 am UTC (link)
	Jack comes home late, having spent a surprisingly pleasant few hours talking, to find the Captain already there. "Hey, you left early." (Reply to this) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 06:54 am UTC (link)
	He has shifted to lying down on the bed in that time, watching patterns on the ceiling while he waits. When he hears Jack come in, he looks over, expression somber. "Hey. Yeah. I had a... conversation and..." He gestures to the bed. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 06:57 am UTC (link)
	His smile drops, instantly concerned. "Is everything okay?" He comes and sits next to him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:00 am UTC (link)
	"I could ask you the same." He sits up next to the Captain, reaching for his hand. "Except that I realized-- no, you haven't been, and I haven't been seeing that enough, and I haven't done enough about it. I haven't helped you deal with things." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:07 am UTC (link)
	He stares at him for a second, then smiles a small, tight smile and shakes his head, laces their fingers together and gives them a squeeze. "You've done a lot for me, Jack. Don't worry about me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:11 am UTC (link)
	He squeezes the Captain's hand, but that forced smile makes him ache. "Not enough. And of course I'm going to worry about you, Jack. I love you. And I want you to be happy, but if I don't make enough effort to help you be happy..." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:13 am UTC (link)
	"You don't need to worry about me," he says gently. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:18 am UTC (link)
	While he appreciates the gentleness, it doesn't really change anything. "But I do. And maybe I wouldn't worry as much but-- I don't know what's going on. We don't talk about certain things, and I realize much later that the silence has stretched on and if we'd just talked it wouldn't get to such a point and... Do you feel like you can't talk to me?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:23 am UTC (link)
	He's startled, and answers just a little too quickly, "Of course not, Jack." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:27 am UTC (link)
	His fingers tighten around the Captain's reflexively, heart plummeting. "Then... why haven't you talked to me, if you really did feel like you could? Because it doesn't seem like you do or you would've been talking to me. Why not?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:28 am UTC (link)
	"I don't know what you're talking about." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:30 am UTC (link)
	"Maybe if we talked about these things more we'd know better what each other's talking about." He draws a deep breath. "You've been hurting more than I realized, haven't you? About... you know." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:31 am UTC (link)
	"I'm fine. I'm not sure why ..." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:35 am UTC (link)
	"Jack, please, stop just... acting like it's all right, because it doesn't seem like it really is. The longer the silence goes, the later I realize I've been missing what I should've seen before, the more it hurts to finally wake up and see it." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:37 am UTC (link)
	He looks away, and is silent for a long moment before he abandons pretense. "So I'm supposed to tell you all about it and hurt you that badly and then we can pretend it's okay again. It's not. I'm not. I said I would live with it." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

time_after_time
2008-05-17 07:40 am UTC (link)

It's actually a relief when the Captain does that, to finally get that honesty, even though it's painful.

"I want to be able to be there for you, to be someone you can talk to and share things with, to get through pain together if there is pain, not keep it to ourselves. I never want to pretend it's okay, I want it to be okay, and I know that takes time. I don't want you to live with it-- I want to make it actually okay. I don't want you to feel you have to pretend to me.
And... oh god, to hear that you feel you have to?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:42 am UTC (link)
	Every time he speaks of how it hurts, it makes Jack feel worse about doing this to him. Softly, helplessly: "I'm not in this to hurt you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:44 am UTC (link)
	He shifts to hold the Captain's hand in both of his. "Then please, be willing to talk to me, please." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:46 am UTC (link)
	He sighs, a short flat exhale, dull with resignation. "And tell you what?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:48 am UTC (link)
	His voice is a bit desperate. "Whatever you need to talk about. Anything, everything, whatever. Love involves communicating." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:50 am UTC (link)
	He tries not to respond roughly, he really tries, but he's afraid a touch of it comes through anyway. "Why do you two have this idea that I need to talk about it?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

time_after_time
2008-05-17 07:54 am UTC (link)

The tone makes him tense up, loosening his grip on Jack's hand. "Because you say you've been pretending things are okay. That implies not being genuine about something, saying or behaving otherwise. So maybe you don't need it, but I need it. I need to know that you can be yourself with me, because I'm myself with you. I need to know that you are actually happier for being with me and not faking it. And if you're not, then I want to try to correct that, try to do better by you."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 07:56 am UTC (link)
	He closes his eyes for a moment, then lifts a hand to brush along Jack's cheekbone, hating to do this to him. "I wouldn't be happy without you, either. I was ... devastated when I lost you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	time_after_time 2008-05-17 07:59 am UTC (link)
	His eyes fall closed as well as he leans over slightly towards Jack's hand. "So you're unhappy either way, is that it? You wouldn't be happy without me, you wouldn't be happy with me?" He doesn't mean that; he's reading too much into Jack's wording and he knows it. "I know that's not what you mean." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	down_in_glory 2008-05-17 08:04 am UTC (link)
	Good thing you do. "No, it's not." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)